I had just gotten home from work, Ashleigh called me to see if i was home yet. When I said yes, she started crying. She put her car in the ditch, and Hunter was with. I asked if they were ok, and drove the 2 miles to get them. Called the wrecker, he came and pulled it out and she drove home. Thank God my kids were ok. She could have easily rolled the car based on what happened. I don't know what I would do if I lost both of my living children.
1 week until the day I lost Matthew a year ago. It's making me a little...ok a lot...sad. And the close call with my kids was too much. Then I thought I'd be a great mom and watch "Secret Life" with Ash and Lexi. Until the girl on there lost her baby. I could not deal with it and excused myself within the last 10 minutes. I went out on the deck and cried. It was like reliving my experience all over again.
I'm really not sure how I will make it through the next couple of weeks. Faith, prayer, not sure what else I've got.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Waking up like this
It has been over 7 months since I lost Matthew. This morning I woke up cursing myself for not going to the doctor sooner that day. I should have known the nausea all day was not because of finals, but because I was going into labor at 17 weeks. Yeah, logical me says no one would have known that's what it was. I have had that thought repeatedly, but I haven't woken up like that for quite some time. I logged on to BabyCenter, which has become a great outlet for me. There was a post on the miscarriage board about feeling guilty, and talking about it will help. This is what I wrote. I don't think it made me feel better, but it's out there now.
I feel guilty for being scared
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor earlier that day
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor 3 days earlier when I felt something was wrong
I feel guilty for trusting a doctor, who should have watched me more closely
I feel guilty for not holding him more, studying him, and knowing everything about his little body
I feel guilty for not feeling even close to as sad about my ectopic pregnancy. He/she was a baby too.
I feel guilty for not putting myself on bedrest
I feel guilty that I secretly wish pregnant women would go through the same hell I did, especially when they complain about being pregnant or bragging that they've made it farther
I feel guilty for wondering if I am grieving the loss of my son or the fear that it could be my last pregnancy, while knowing it is both.
I feel guilty for everything I didn't do, because I should have a 2 month old baby boy in my arms right now
I feel guilty that I take pleasure in being able to leave the house on a whim for a dinner out, or a basketball game, knowing I really should be having baby in tow.
I feel guilty because I could have saved my husband a lot of pain, had I found a "better" doctor, gone to the dr sooner, been smarter, etc etc etc
I feel guilty for being scared
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor earlier that day
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor 3 days earlier when I felt something was wrong
I feel guilty for trusting a doctor, who should have watched me more closely
I feel guilty for not holding him more, studying him, and knowing everything about his little body
I feel guilty for not feeling even close to as sad about my ectopic pregnancy. He/she was a baby too.
I feel guilty for not putting myself on bedrest
I feel guilty that I secretly wish pregnant women would go through the same hell I did, especially when they complain about being pregnant or bragging that they've made it farther
I feel guilty for wondering if I am grieving the loss of my son or the fear that it could be my last pregnancy, while knowing it is both.
I feel guilty for everything I didn't do, because I should have a 2 month old baby boy in my arms right now
I feel guilty that I take pleasure in being able to leave the house on a whim for a dinner out, or a basketball game, knowing I really should be having baby in tow.
I feel guilty because I could have saved my husband a lot of pain, had I found a "better" doctor, gone to the dr sooner, been smarter, etc etc etc
Monday, January 3, 2011
Another Monday down, with little damage
I really dislike Mondays. For some reason, bad things happened a LOT on Mondays in 2010. I lost Matthew on a monday, AG died on a Monday, Pastor's husband's horrible accident was on a Monday, I got the metho shot ending my ectopic pregnancy on a Monday. I'm sure there are more, but that's certainly enough to despise Mondays.
Today went just fine. Work was ok, class was ok. I fixed Ash's brand new Ipod Touch. What an improvement!
I had my (hopefully last) blood draw today for HCG. Hopefully the results are in tomorrow. Last Monday was 12, so hoping I hit 0 today. What's next? We're not going to try to get pregnant, it seems if we try nothing works. So we'll relax, enjoy the dreaming of summer and all it brings. We'll stay busy with the kids and their sports, with our jobs, and family. And once again: hope. Hope that God answers our prayers.
Goodbye first Monday of 2011, please tell the rest of the Mondays this year to be equally as undamaging as today. Thank you.
Today went just fine. Work was ok, class was ok. I fixed Ash's brand new Ipod Touch. What an improvement!
I had my (hopefully last) blood draw today for HCG. Hopefully the results are in tomorrow. Last Monday was 12, so hoping I hit 0 today. What's next? We're not going to try to get pregnant, it seems if we try nothing works. So we'll relax, enjoy the dreaming of summer and all it brings. We'll stay busy with the kids and their sports, with our jobs, and family. And once again: hope. Hope that God answers our prayers.
Goodbye first Monday of 2011, please tell the rest of the Mondays this year to be equally as undamaging as today. Thank you.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The aftermath
First of all, Ash isn't going to lie. She loves her dad, she is daddy's little girl. So I feel justified to say the last 5 days were hellish for my kids. Here's a sample of what has happened, just so I can look back and see what has gone on.
Stepmom starts off by saying Hunter should go there more, and spend time with his little brother. He shouldn't get the choice of going or not. I always leave it up to my kids. They are 14 and 12, they know what happens there, it's their choice. Dad then called Hunter stupid and made fun of his speech (he's been in speech therapy since age 3). Then they threw their 50 pound 5 year old on my 75 pounder and told him to jump and call Hunter names. The 5 year old stole Hunter's DS, we never did get it at the end of the visit. The 13 year old constantly called Hunter names. When Hunter tried to tell stepmom, she threw Hunter across the room and onto the couch, and then into the bedroom, swearing at him. She told 13 yr old they shouldn't have to worry about Hunter visiting again. All the while, Ash is looking on, watching this happen, daring not to say a word. Dad is tired of repeating himself, tired of telling Hunter to settle down, tired of coming home from his New Year's Eve party to handle a bloody nose, which is my fault of course because I don't have him on an iron supplement. Really? So the ENT and ER visits I do every year are for what? Oh yeah, cauterizing his nose, because the veins or arteries or whatever they are need to be cauterized! Not due to a freakin iron deficiency you moron!
I can't help but be angry, and if they lived closer I'm afraid I would have taken care of this right away. She has no right to lay a hand on my child nor say a bad word to him. Choice words would have been said, but I am the bigger person.
Stepmom starts off by saying Hunter should go there more, and spend time with his little brother. He shouldn't get the choice of going or not. I always leave it up to my kids. They are 14 and 12, they know what happens there, it's their choice. Dad then called Hunter stupid and made fun of his speech (he's been in speech therapy since age 3). Then they threw their 50 pound 5 year old on my 75 pounder and told him to jump and call Hunter names. The 5 year old stole Hunter's DS, we never did get it at the end of the visit. The 13 year old constantly called Hunter names. When Hunter tried to tell stepmom, she threw Hunter across the room and onto the couch, and then into the bedroom, swearing at him. She told 13 yr old they shouldn't have to worry about Hunter visiting again. All the while, Ash is looking on, watching this happen, daring not to say a word. Dad is tired of repeating himself, tired of telling Hunter to settle down, tired of coming home from his New Year's Eve party to handle a bloody nose, which is my fault of course because I don't have him on an iron supplement. Really? So the ENT and ER visits I do every year are for what? Oh yeah, cauterizing his nose, because the veins or arteries or whatever they are need to be cauterized! Not due to a freakin iron deficiency you moron!
I can't help but be angry, and if they lived closer I'm afraid I would have taken care of this right away. She has no right to lay a hand on my child nor say a bad word to him. Choice words would have been said, but I am the bigger person.
Missing my kids...
I'm despising the holidays. Wooo for family fun and gifts and wasted money and gaining 10 pounds. I also lose my kids for a week. They go to their dad's. However, that 5 days has been filled with name calling by their dad, letdowns due to gift inequality, bloody noses that apparently only I can deal with. It breaks my heart when one of my kids calls from 2 hours away and I can do nothing because I can't even get out of the house due to weather. I wish things would go better. I pushed for 2 years for my ex to take the kids and have a life with them, like i didn't have with my dad. Now he does and it's a nightmare. What was I thinking?
I am leaving now to go get them. This week will be filled with fighting and tears and backtalking and behaviors at school. I wish this could be easier.
Yay! I start classes again tomorrow. I have an online class from 7:30-9:30 pm and the other one I just read for and do work. Tuesday Ash has a game, Wednesday is WOW at church. Thursday nothing and Friday the kids both have games. Ash has a game Saturday, then Sunday we have our Christmas program at church. Sooo almost every one of those nights I also have to be in 2 places at once to pick kids up from practice. I wish we could get Hunter into Ash's school to avoid all this running. I also start working 8-4 this week, which gives me an extra 5 hours a week on the paycheck. Every little bit helps right? Hoping for a raise in March!!!!!
I am leaving now to go get them. This week will be filled with fighting and tears and backtalking and behaviors at school. I wish this could be easier.
Yay! I start classes again tomorrow. I have an online class from 7:30-9:30 pm and the other one I just read for and do work. Tuesday Ash has a game, Wednesday is WOW at church. Thursday nothing and Friday the kids both have games. Ash has a game Saturday, then Sunday we have our Christmas program at church. Sooo almost every one of those nights I also have to be in 2 places at once to pick kids up from practice. I wish we could get Hunter into Ash's school to avoid all this running. I also start working 8-4 this week, which gives me an extra 5 hours a week on the paycheck. Every little bit helps right? Hoping for a raise in March!!!!!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The year in review...
Since 2010 was quite honestly one of the worst of my life, I figured the best way to look forward is by starting a blog. Can it help me heal? Maybe. Can it help me look back and laugh? I hope so. I also look forward to something giving me hope. So how did 2010 go? It started off easy enough.
I was in a bad job, unfortunately which I loved but my boss was a martyr. He cut me down, made me feel like shit. He kept cutting my hours. So I started looking for a job. I didn't care what, I'd be graduating from college in June, so I would start a new life then, right?
On March 1st I started working for an insurance agent, 24 hours a week. Easy enough, it was 4 days a week, Fridays off, and only 10 miles from home. I would give it a shot. It ended up being one of the best moves for me and for my family.
On March 14th Matt and I went to pick the kids up from their dad's. We went to McDonald's, and I just didn't feel like eating, I just felt weird. Even though my doctors had told me 6 months earlier that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, we ran to Target for a pregnancy test. It was drilled into my head since my tubal ligation reversal in 2008 to test early or it could kill me (possibility of ectopic is sooo high). I took the test on the 15th, it was positive and I was scared to death. I immediately called my perinatologist at "A" hospital, got labs ordered, within a week they were telling me this was another miscarriage. Would I repeat what I went through with the miscarriage the day after Christmas 2008? No...time for a 2nd opinion. I went to "B" hospital and saw a new perinatologist. That same day they told me to hold on, and 3 days later we saw that blip on the screen. We made a plan, Prometrium til 14 weeks, and P-17 shots starting at 18 weeks. We were overjoyed. I had a lot of scares over the next few weeks, but at 14 weeks was given the all clear. At 17 weeks, on a Friday, I just didn't feel good. Called my doc, who said everything was fine and we would check everything thoroughly at my next appt the following Thursday. Listening to him was the biggest mistake of my life. On Monday, June 16th I was in class, just feeling like I was coming down with the flu. I was doing a final presentation that afternoon, so I stuck it out and planned to head home to rest. Four miles down the interstate, contractions started. I called the messaging service for my doc, turned around and headed back to the hospital. within 10 minutes I was at the hospitaal. As I tried to get out of the van, I could barely walk. As I sat in the wheelchair, my water broke. The nightmare unfolds...and I lost my baby boy at 17.5 weeks. He was perfect, so perfect. Five days later, on a beautiful Saturday morning, we laid my baby to rest next to my mother-in-law. It was a beautiful little service, with close friends and family. 50 people plus the funeral home director, to be exact. We let 50 balloons sail into the bright sunny sky, knowing our little Matthew was being rocked by his grandmas and grandpas in Heaven. Instead I should have been receiving my diploma that day. Life is not fair.
In July, a family friend passed way too young from cancer. The following week, our pastor's husband was killed in a car accident. An accident I responded to as a First Responder.
A week or so later, In August, we lost a family friend due to a freak accident, way too young, the mother of 4 little ones. Seriously, how much more can God possibly give me? I can't take much more this year. It has to end! I have lost my baby, 3 people I deeply care about, I'm sure I have lost the chance of ever getting pregnant again.
Thankfully I have 2 amazing beautiful kids and a husband that is also my best friend.
December 6th, Matt's mom would have been 55 this year. It's a hard day for him. Just for fun (what was I thinking) I took a pregnancy test. positive. we weren't ready for this. The followign day I rush for the standard blood tests, my numbers are out of whack. I knew right then it wasn't good. First they thought molar, no maybe ectopic, no maybe its twins. It was an emotional roller coaster from hell. I just prayed I would live through it. Matt said never again will we go through this. Well, I lived. It was ectopic and has dissolved thanks to the Methotrexate shot. It made me ill, and tired. But I lived, and now I have one more angel in Heaven.
In 2011, I continue to be a mom, a wife, an office manager, a First Responder, Religion Ed teacher to preschoolers, and a grad school student. WE are ready to have a baby again, if God is so kind. Please let 2011 be better than 2010.
I was in a bad job, unfortunately which I loved but my boss was a martyr. He cut me down, made me feel like shit. He kept cutting my hours. So I started looking for a job. I didn't care what, I'd be graduating from college in June, so I would start a new life then, right?
On March 1st I started working for an insurance agent, 24 hours a week. Easy enough, it was 4 days a week, Fridays off, and only 10 miles from home. I would give it a shot. It ended up being one of the best moves for me and for my family.
On March 14th Matt and I went to pick the kids up from their dad's. We went to McDonald's, and I just didn't feel like eating, I just felt weird. Even though my doctors had told me 6 months earlier that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, we ran to Target for a pregnancy test. It was drilled into my head since my tubal ligation reversal in 2008 to test early or it could kill me (possibility of ectopic is sooo high). I took the test on the 15th, it was positive and I was scared to death. I immediately called my perinatologist at "A" hospital, got labs ordered, within a week they were telling me this was another miscarriage. Would I repeat what I went through with the miscarriage the day after Christmas 2008? No...time for a 2nd opinion. I went to "B" hospital and saw a new perinatologist. That same day they told me to hold on, and 3 days later we saw that blip on the screen. We made a plan, Prometrium til 14 weeks, and P-17 shots starting at 18 weeks. We were overjoyed. I had a lot of scares over the next few weeks, but at 14 weeks was given the all clear. At 17 weeks, on a Friday, I just didn't feel good. Called my doc, who said everything was fine and we would check everything thoroughly at my next appt the following Thursday. Listening to him was the biggest mistake of my life. On Monday, June 16th I was in class, just feeling like I was coming down with the flu. I was doing a final presentation that afternoon, so I stuck it out and planned to head home to rest. Four miles down the interstate, contractions started. I called the messaging service for my doc, turned around and headed back to the hospital. within 10 minutes I was at the hospitaal. As I tried to get out of the van, I could barely walk. As I sat in the wheelchair, my water broke. The nightmare unfolds...and I lost my baby boy at 17.5 weeks. He was perfect, so perfect. Five days later, on a beautiful Saturday morning, we laid my baby to rest next to my mother-in-law. It was a beautiful little service, with close friends and family. 50 people plus the funeral home director, to be exact. We let 50 balloons sail into the bright sunny sky, knowing our little Matthew was being rocked by his grandmas and grandpas in Heaven. Instead I should have been receiving my diploma that day. Life is not fair.
In July, a family friend passed way too young from cancer. The following week, our pastor's husband was killed in a car accident. An accident I responded to as a First Responder.
A week or so later, In August, we lost a family friend due to a freak accident, way too young, the mother of 4 little ones. Seriously, how much more can God possibly give me? I can't take much more this year. It has to end! I have lost my baby, 3 people I deeply care about, I'm sure I have lost the chance of ever getting pregnant again.
Thankfully I have 2 amazing beautiful kids and a husband that is also my best friend.
December 6th, Matt's mom would have been 55 this year. It's a hard day for him. Just for fun (what was I thinking) I took a pregnancy test. positive. we weren't ready for this. The followign day I rush for the standard blood tests, my numbers are out of whack. I knew right then it wasn't good. First they thought molar, no maybe ectopic, no maybe its twins. It was an emotional roller coaster from hell. I just prayed I would live through it. Matt said never again will we go through this. Well, I lived. It was ectopic and has dissolved thanks to the Methotrexate shot. It made me ill, and tired. But I lived, and now I have one more angel in Heaven.
In 2011, I continue to be a mom, a wife, an office manager, a First Responder, Religion Ed teacher to preschoolers, and a grad school student. WE are ready to have a baby again, if God is so kind. Please let 2011 be better than 2010.
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