Waking up like this

It has been over 7 months since I lost Matthew. This morning I woke up cursing myself for not going to the doctor sooner that day. I should have known the nausea all day was not because of finals, but because I was going into labor at 17 weeks. Yeah, logical me says no one would have known that's what it was. I have had that thought repeatedly, but I haven't woken up like that for quite some time. I logged on to BabyCenter, which has become a great outlet for me. There was a post on the miscarriage board about feeling guilty, and talking about it will help. This is what I wrote. I don't think it made me feel better, but it's out there now.


I feel guilty for being scared
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor earlier that day
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor 3 days earlier when I felt something was wrong
I feel guilty for trusting a doctor, who should have watched me more closely
I feel guilty for not holding him more, studying him, and knowing everything about his little body
I feel guilty for not feeling even close to as sad about my ectopic pregnancy. He/she was a baby too.
I feel guilty for not putting myself on bedrest
I feel guilty that I secretly wish pregnant women would go through the same hell I did, especially when they complain about being pregnant or bragging that they've made it farther
I feel guilty for wondering if I am grieving the loss of my son or the fear that it could be my last pregnancy, while knowing it is both.
I feel guilty for everything I didn't do, because I should have a 2 month old baby boy in my arms right now
I feel guilty that I take pleasure in being able to leave the house on a whim for a dinner out, or a basketball game, knowing I really should be having baby in tow.
I feel guilty because I could have saved my husband a lot of pain, had I found a "better" doctor, gone to the dr sooner, been smarter, etc etc etc