Since 2010 was quite honestly one of the worst of my life, I figured the best way to look forward is by starting a blog. Can it help me heal? Maybe. Can it help me look back and laugh? I hope so. I also look forward to something giving me hope. So how did 2010 go? It started off easy enough.
I was in a bad job, unfortunately which I loved but my boss was a martyr. He cut me down, made me feel like shit. He kept cutting my hours. So I started looking for a job. I didn't care what, I'd be graduating from college in June, so I would start a new life then, right?
On March 1st I started working for an insurance agent, 24 hours a week. Easy enough, it was 4 days a week, Fridays off, and only 10 miles from home. I would give it a shot. It ended up being one of the best moves for me and for my family.
On March 14th Matt and I went to pick the kids up from their dad's. We went to McDonald's, and I just didn't feel like eating, I just felt weird. Even though my doctors had told me 6 months earlier that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, we ran to Target for a pregnancy test. It was drilled into my head since my tubal ligation reversal in 2008 to test early or it could kill me (possibility of ectopic is sooo high). I took the test on the 15th, it was positive and I was scared to death. I immediately called my perinatologist at "A" hospital, got labs ordered, within a week they were telling me this was another miscarriage. Would I repeat what I went through with the miscarriage the day after Christmas 2008? No...time for a 2nd opinion. I went to "B" hospital and saw a new perinatologist. That same day they told me to hold on, and 3 days later we saw that blip on the screen. We made a plan, Prometrium til 14 weeks, and P-17 shots starting at 18 weeks. We were overjoyed. I had a lot of scares over the next few weeks, but at 14 weeks was given the all clear. At 17 weeks, on a Friday, I just didn't feel good. Called my doc, who said everything was fine and we would check everything thoroughly at my next appt the following Thursday. Listening to him was the biggest mistake of my life. On Monday, June 16th I was in class, just feeling like I was coming down with the flu. I was doing a final presentation that afternoon, so I stuck it out and planned to head home to rest. Four miles down the interstate, contractions started. I called the messaging service for my doc, turned around and headed back to the hospital. within 10 minutes I was at the hospitaal. As I tried to get out of the van, I could barely walk. As I sat in the wheelchair, my water broke. The nightmare unfolds...and I lost my baby boy at 17.5 weeks. He was perfect, so perfect. Five days later, on a beautiful Saturday morning, we laid my baby to rest next to my mother-in-law. It was a beautiful little service, with close friends and family. 50 people plus the funeral home director, to be exact. We let 50 balloons sail into the bright sunny sky, knowing our little Matthew was being rocked by his grandmas and grandpas in Heaven. Instead I should have been receiving my diploma that day. Life is not fair.
In July, a family friend passed way too young from cancer. The following week, our pastor's husband was killed in a car accident. An accident I responded to as a First Responder.
A week or so later, In August, we lost a family friend due to a freak accident, way too young, the mother of 4 little ones. Seriously, how much more can God possibly give me? I can't take much more this year. It has to end! I have lost my baby, 3 people I deeply care about, I'm sure I have lost the chance of ever getting pregnant again.
Thankfully I have 2 amazing beautiful kids and a husband that is also my best friend.
December 6th, Matt's mom would have been 55 this year. It's a hard day for him. Just for fun (what was I thinking) I took a pregnancy test. positive. we weren't ready for this. The followign day I rush for the standard blood tests, my numbers are out of whack. I knew right then it wasn't good. First they thought molar, no maybe ectopic, no maybe its twins. It was an emotional roller coaster from hell. I just prayed I would live through it. Matt said never again will we go through this. Well, I lived. It was ectopic and has dissolved thanks to the Methotrexate shot. It made me ill, and tired. But I lived, and now I have one more angel in Heaven.
In 2011, I continue to be a mom, a wife, an office manager, a First Responder, Religion Ed teacher to preschoolers, and a grad school student. WE are ready to have a baby again, if God is so kind. Please let 2011 be better than 2010.
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